For those of you who know me well, you know that for the past year and a half the two things I have been praying for has been humility and wisdom. Two summers ago, this is the desire that God placed in my heart. Of course there have been other things on my heart and my mind, but I patiently asked and waited for these two characteristics. This is an update of answered prayer regarding the two, and how my challenge with change goes hand-in-hand.
Today I was reflecting on the past 6 months (yes, officially six months as of yesterday) and I sat down to ask myself, “What have I accomplished in the past 6 months?” Honestly, I became really discouraged about the time I had spent in Eastern Europe. It seemed that the few projects I was in charge of were so minimal that someone else could have done them in half the time. I thought about the depression that settled during my stay in Ukraine, and thought if only I could have trust God more than maybe I could have made a difference. I thought about some of the decisions I had made and wondered if I had grown or regressed. It had seemed that the tasks I had set out to do at the beginning of the summer were unsuccessful. So here I am, returning to the States in less than a week without a story of how the Christian bank I worked at saved someone’s life, or how I had fallen in love with this part of the world, or how I had witnessed to someone who had never heard God’s truth before. Then it hit me…the point of my stay here was not to accomplish a task or a goal I had set for myself, but for God to accomplish HIS task. And I think that task was to change me.
I now know myself better than before, which actually complicates things. I know my weaknesses better than ever. I know what triggers my insecurity. I know where I often fall flat on my face. I know how I react to certain hardships in a negative way. I know that I question God on things that should be very elementary. I know that most of the time I would rather please people more than God. I know how fake I can be, even if no one else can tell. I know that the strengths I thought I possessed weren’t strengths at all when put to the test. I know how much God has humbled me while I have been here, and I know that he has just scratched the surface. So everything I now know about myself makes me wonder how I could have been so content with my life back in the States. Basically, I can see right through myself, and it’s not a good feeling.
Now what do I do with all of this? Do I go back home and suffocate the truth I have been shown? Do I forget about all I learned regarding Eastern Europe, Christian developement, and life outside of NWC? Do I act the same way I had when I thought I was an amazing person with all of the answers? Sure, I can. It would be quite easy. Why not? Why change myself if I liked the person I was 6 months ago? Well, maybe because God desires more for me than to be comfortable with my own personality. Maybe he wants me to love others deeper, to see things from his eyes, and to seek him with my whole life...the things I have been lacking.
Remember the last time everything wasn't going how you thought it should and your friend jokingly says, “It builds character.” That’s where I'm at right now: character building. I demand of myself to be more real with people. I demand of myself to love people purely. I demand of myself to change the areas I am falling short. I want to be filled with character that truly represents my Savior. Through these 6 months, God has given me the eyes to see my short comings, and now I have the opportunity to either go back to who I was or to actually let God control these areas of my life. I'm praying for the wisdom to face the challenges of change and for the humility that leaves me in desperate need for him.
With all that said, when I return please don’t expect me to tell you about all the things I accomplished and all the tasks I completed while I was gone. Instead, ask me about the Godly characteristics my Savior is impressing on my heart and about how he has challenged me. Also, realize that this change may have been accompanied by my successful experiences, some missed opportunities, and even my mistakes.
Please pray that God will grant me humility and wisdom as I return, and the desire to seek the change he has for my life.
I can't wait to see you!
